Chaos Inside of Me

Mental chaos is one of the major factors that hinder an individual's growth—professionally, socially, and personally. Conflicting thoughts are among the greatest obstacles to maintaining focus, achieving clarity, and thinking rationally.

When I reflect upon the conflicts within myself, I realise that much of this mental chaos arises from three fundamental components that influence my psychological state:

What I Am

What I Want to Be

What I Should Be

These three dimensions continuously interact, sometimes complementing one another and, at other times, creating conflicts that disturb our mental equilibrium.

What I Am: The Inherent Self

What I am is largely determined by factors such as Mother Nature or God, our parents, heredity, cultural background, birthplace, and other circumstances surrounding our existence.

Every individual is born with a unique set of natural instincts, tendencies, and predispositions. These inherent characteristics form an essential part of one's personality and identity.

It is often extremely difficult, and sometimes nearly impossible, to reshape these natural instincts entirely according to our needs or desires. We learn to live with them, irrespective of whether we like or dislike them or perceive them as strengths or weaknesses.

In this sense, an individual has limited control over certain aspects of what I am.

Consider a simple example: you may have a natural preference for a particular colour. Have you ever seriously questioned why you like that specific colour? The preference may exist without any conscious reasoning or deliberate choice.

Similarly, several aspects of our personality, emotional responses, and behavioural tendencies may originate from influences that precede conscious decision-making.

Therefore, what I am represents the relatively inherent dimension of our identity—the self we discover rather than consciously create.

What I Want to Be: The Aspirational Self

On the other hand, what I want to be is largely influenced by the surroundings and social environment in which an individual grows up.

Friends, neighbours, family atmosphere, educational institutions, and the broader social ecosystem significantly influence how we define our ambitions, aspirations, and life goals.

During the formative years, when the mind is impressionable, these external influences leave profound and often lasting impressions.

An individual growing up in an entrepreneurial environment may aspire to become an entrepreneur. Someone surrounded by academicians may develop a strong inclination towards education and intellectual pursuits.

These aspirations may appear to be entirely personal choices, but they are frequently shaped by the environment in which the individual has evolved.

At a later stage in life, one may realise that personal aspirations should not necessarily be dictated by social surroundings. However, by then, many of these influences may already have become deeply embedded in one's thinking.

The mind, once impressionable and receptive, has already absorbed certain definitions of success, happiness, achievement, and social recognition.

Furthermore, what I want to be is partially influenced by what I am. Our natural instincts and inherent tendencies may either reinforce or contradict the aspirations shaped by our surroundings.

Thus, what I want to be represents the aspirational dimension of our identity—the self we consciously or unconsciously strive to become.

What I Should Be: The Expected Self

The third dimension, what I should be, is largely shaped by the expectations of family members, relatives, friends, and society.

How does my family want me to be? What do my friends expect of me? What kind of person does society believe I should become?

These expectations collectively influence our perception of what I should be.

Interestingly, people around us may pay little attention to the first two dimensions—what I am and what I want to be. Instead, they often construct expectations based on their own beliefs, experiences, aspirations, and definitions of success.

Parents may expect their children to pursue particular professions. Friends may expect certain behaviours or lifestyles. Society may impose standards regarding achievement, status, relationships, and personal conduct.

These expectations are not necessarily unreasonable or ill-intentioned. However, they may not always align with an individual's natural characteristics or personal aspirations.

The emotional sensitivity of the developing mind, combined with the desire for social acceptance and approval, often encourages individuals to fulfil these expectations.

Consequently, many people begin directing their lives according to what I should be, sometimes at the expense of what I am and what I want to be.

This creates an internal conflict between personal identity, individual aspirations, and social obligations.

The Interaction of the Three Selves

All three components continuously attempt to influence an individual's psychological state.

Each pulls the individual in a particular direction, although they may also share certain common characteristics.

Consider an individual who possesses a natural instinct for ambition.

If this person grows up in an environment surrounded by ambitious individuals and simultaneously belongs to a family that encourages ambition, all three dimensions reinforce one another.

• What I Am: I am naturally ambitious.

• What I Want to Be: I aspire to achieve something significant.

• What I Should Be: My family and society encourage me to pursue ambitious goals.

This alignment creates a highly favourable psychological environment.

The individual experiences relatively little conflict between natural tendencies, personal aspirations, and external expectations. Energy that might otherwise be consumed by internal contradictions can instead be directed towards meaningful action and achievement.

Such an alignment may create an environment conducive to personal satisfaction, professional accomplishment, and psychological stability.

However, consider the opposite situation.

An individual may naturally prefer a peaceful, uncomplicated life but grow up in an environment that glorifies wealth, competition, and social recognition. At the same time, family members may expect the individual to pursue a highly demanding and prestigious career.

Here, the three dimensions begin pulling in different directions.

The inherent self seeks simplicity. The aspirational self pursues achievement. The expected self demands conformity to social definitions of success.

The resulting contradiction can generate persistent mental chaos.

The Principle of Psychological Alignment

This leads me to an important observation:

The greater the overlap among the three dimensions—what I am, what I want to be, and what I should be—the greater the possibility of mental peace and psychological stability.

Conversely:

The smaller the overlap among these dimensions, the greater the potential for internal conflict, confusion, and mental chaos.

In other words, mental peace may depend not merely on what an individual possesses or achieves, but also on the degree of alignment between inherent characteristics, personal aspirations, and external expectations.

When these dimensions complement one another, the mind experiences greater clarity and direction.

When they contradict one another, the individual may experience confusion, dissatisfaction, indecisiveness, and a persistent struggle to establish priorities.

The conflict becomes particularly intense when an individual attempts to satisfy all three dimensions simultaneously, despite their fundamentally contradictory demands.

This raises an important question: Is it possible to eliminate mental chaos entirely?

Perhaps not.

However, understanding its underlying sources may be the first step towards managing it effectively.

Achieving Mental Equilibrium

In my view, achieving a healthy psychological state requires an individual to recognise and differentiate these three dimensions of identity.

One must develop sufficient self-awareness to understand what is inherent, what is genuinely desired, and what is externally expected.

The challenge is not necessarily to eliminate any of these dimensions. Each plays an important role in shaping an individual's personality and life.

Rather, the objective should be to establish a sustainable equilibrium among them.

This requires acknowledging our natural characteristics without becoming completely constrained by them, pursuing our aspirations without blindly following environmental influences, and respecting social expectations without surrendering our individuality.

Importantly, equilibrium does not always mean giving equal importance to all three dimensions. It may require consciously prioritising one dimension over another, depending on our values, circumstances, and stage of life.

Mental peace, therefore, may not come from becoming everything that we are expected to be, but from understanding the relationship between who we are, who we aspire to become, and who others expect us to be.

Conclusion: The Harmony of Three Selves

Human life is a continuous negotiation among three identities: the inherent self, the aspirational self, and the expected self.

Each has its own origin, influence, and significance.

The inherent self reflects our natural predispositions. The aspirational self represents the ambitions and desires shaped by our experiences. The expected self embodies the responsibilities, obligations, and expectations imposed by our social relationships.

Mental chaos emerges when these dimensions compete for dominance without sufficient understanding or alignment.

Conversely, greater harmony among them may promote clarity of thought, emotional stability, purposeful action, and personal growth.

Ultimately, the pursuit of mental peace is not merely about controlling our thoughts. It is about understanding the forces that shape them.

The art of living, perhaps, lies in finding a meaningful balance between what I am, what I want to be, and what I should be.